Beautiful World

Once again I find myself humbled by the sweet thoughts of my children.  This week has been a big deal.  Jacey decided this year to enter the PTA Reflections Art Contest, under the category of choreography.  Jacey by nature is sweet, concerned about those around her, quiet, and she expects a lot out of herself.  As grateful as we are for her desire to do good things and do them well, we are also always reminding her how great she is, and that that has nothing to do with how well she does on something. 

She is not one to like to call attention to herself in a group, yet always seems to have plenty of friends.  Because seeking to be in the limelight is not in her personality, we love how much she loves dance.  When she’s onstage at recitals, she completely forgets that she is in front of a crowd and enters her own little world.  I’ve never heard her say she’s nervous before a recital, and I love that she has an opportunity to perform and feel confident in front of others.  She does get nervous, however, if it’s just her dancing by herself in front of someone.  Like, really nervous.  That’s why it was a big deal that she decided to enter this contest.  She knew that people would be watching the video of her dancing and did it anyway. 

The theme for Reflections this year was “Believe, Dream, Inspire”.  I put together a list of songs that I thought fit in with the theme and let her choose off the list.  She chose “Beautiful World” by Justin Cash.  (Get it here) We thought it was a great choice and she got to work. 

  After she had her dance figured out we tried to record it every night for a week.  Every time we tried, something went wrong.  Our video camera wouldn’t work.  After we borrowed one we went to the church to record it in a bigger room and someone was always there.  Then the battery died on the camera.  The next night someone was sick.  She didn’t feel like she did as well as she could so she wanted to redo it.  We finally ended up with one that she was happy with late last night.  We came home, she went to bed, and I sat down at the computer to burn the DVD.  Then I discovered that our new computer doesn’t have a Fire Wire portL  Dan went to his office and tried until 2:00a.m., but couldn’t get it to burn there either.  I had to wake poor Jacey up early early in the morning to redo it on just a few hours of sleep with my regular camera since it was due today.  She was completely exhausted but was such a good sport.  After she went to school I got to work on the computer again so I could bring it to her before school was out.  I got it on the computer, saved the movie, but when I went to burn it my computer wouldn’t recognize any of the dozens of DVDs I tried to burn it on to.  I was afraid we were just going to have to bag it and was dreading telling her when she got home when I reread her Artist Statement that she had to write to go along with her performance.  This is what she wrote:

“Beautiful World” is about how sometimes life isn’t fair.  Sometimes the harder you try, the harder things get.  It seems unfair when you work so hard for something that comes so easily to others.  I’ve been in ballet for 8 years.  I love it, but I work hard.  There are dancers in my class who haven’t danced as long but make it look so easy.  I'm happy for them, but I also know that by working hard and finding joy in developing my talents I am becoming the person God wants me to be.  Even if things are hard along the way, it really is a Beautiful World.

What a good girl, right?? I am so grateful for her example.  Luckily, a friend came to the rescue with a different DVD.  After trying that one several times and a silent prayer it finally worked.  As relieved as I am to be done with this project, the lesson she taught me in the meantime was priceless. Life isn't easy.  That was never meant to be the plan and that's ok.  But there is always joy to be found:)

First day jitters.....for me, not them!

Today is the first day of school.  So bittersweet for me.  Last week I recognized that everyone was ready to get back on a normal routine, and that school starting would be good for everyone.  It helped that our kids were super excited, they got great teachers, and that it started to rain.  All good signs that summer vacation could end and we would be ok.  On the other hand, I have really enjoyed having my big kids home this summer.  We’ve done some really fun things, but even better than that is that I feel like I got to know them a little better.  Aside from the vacations and bbqs and camping trips, I enjoyed spending time with Jacey in the kitchen, helping her learn how to cook and accepting the fact that she’s begging and ready for more responsibility.  She can use the sharp knives.  She can take things out of the oven.  This new independence in the kitchen opened my eyes to what a great, responsible kid she is becoming.  She spent this summer cooking dinners, helping with Camden, and entertaining Sadie….all on her own accord.  I tried very hard not to take advantage of her helpfulness, but I really am overwhelmed with gratitude for such a great oldest child.

And then there’s Broden…. I don’t know if there were ever two children that had more different personalities, and yet I couldn’t love him more.  Broden is bursting with personality, and it spills over into everything he says and does.  He is Mr. Social, and has no problem striking up a conversation with anyone, anywhere.  He is an incredible reader, but doesn’t get lost in novels like Jacey.  Instead, he’ll spend hours poring over non-fiction, science-y, encyclopedia-ish type books.  And I swear he memorizes everything he reads.  We’ll be at the park and he’ll find a bug and tell me this specific ant is actually a leaf-cutter ant, or that the grasshopper he caught is actually a spur-throated grasshopper, followed by telling me what it eats and more random facts than I could ever imagine knowing about a bug.  He is the first to push the limits at home, yet the most sincere and affectionate as well.

This great summer came to an end last night with back-to-school night when it was time to go meet the teachers.  First we met Jacey’s 4^th grade teacher, who is great.  She is kind and encouraging, and easy to talk to.  I think she will be the perfect personality to be able to get underneath Jacey’s sweet, shy first impression and pull great things out of her.  I’m optimistic for a great year, and I am looking forward to hearing Jacey’s report of the first day of school.  I always miss her during the day, but she is almost 10 (eek!), and I am daily having to accept the fact that she’s getting older.  I have no doubt she will do great and her teacher will love her, and she will be surrounded by friends, both old and new, just like every other year.

I’m going to go out on a limb and say that I think the first day of first grade is my least favorite day of elementary school.  It has been so far with Jacey, and I’m not loving it with Broden either.  His teacher is fabulous. It has nothing to do with her and everything to do with me.  Jacey had her for reading when she was in 1^st grade, and Broden walked up to her class for reading last year.  We know her well.  I am completely comfortable with her.  Broden is thrilled to have her all day this year.  He’s excited to be there.  I am just not excited to have him gone all day.  It’s so long away from home, and I don’t like it.  When we went to his classroom last night for back-to-school night, this is what I said: “Hi!  How was your summer?  Broden is so excited to be in your class again!  We were so happy when we saw you were going to be his teacher!”  It’s all true.  But this is what I wanted to say:  “Do you know how lucky you are?  Do you know how much I love this kid?  Broden makes friends easily and will probably be a little chatty at times, especially at first.  Do what you need to do to maintain a good learning atmosphere in your classroom, but please love him and recognize he has a good heart.  Broden loves reading and will probably be able to recite everything that he’s read to you, but writing and coloring are not his favorite things to do.  Please encourage him, and help him understand why it’s important even if he doesn’t love it, but along the way please praise him for the many things he does well.  His heart will burst with pride when he hears you tell him that he is doing well.  Broden loves learning new things, and at times may burst out with an answer at an inappropriate time and forget to raise his hand.  We’re working on that, and we fully support anything you can do to help us with that.  But please don’t squash that excitement for learning and sharing the things he knows.  His confidence and excitement for learning are two of our favorite things about him.  Above all else, please understand this:  I have been working my tail off for 6 years now to teach him the lessons that are most important in life…far more important than any curriculum.  I’ve been trying to teach him first and foremost that he is a child of God, and that He loves him more than anyone.  I’ve been trying to teach him that we love him on his happy days, his sad days, his obedient days, his naughty days, his hyper days, his frustrating days, and all the days in between.  I’ve been trying to teach him that even when he makes choices that make him unhappy (because he will!)  that he can make those right and we will love him and help him learn how to be happy again.  I’ve been trying to teach him to be kind, brave, honest, compassionate, and helpful.  I’ve been trying to teach him to choose the right, even when it’s hard.  And I know he’s only 6 and we have time to continue teaching him these lessons at home.  Don’t worry, we will.  I’ve also worked hard to shelter him from all the yucky stuff in the world.  I know you can’t control what kind of junk other kids are exposed to and what they bring to school.  I know these situations create teaching moments at home, and they are lessons that need to be learned eventually. But frankly, it freaks me out that my child is spending more of his waking hours during the week with you and his peers than he is with me.  I knew it was going to happen sooner or later, and since it had to happen I am confident that you will be a positive influence in his life.  Please be careful with his tender heart.  Please don’t take my child lightly.  He is my son and I love him, but even more than that I know he is God's son and I have been trusted to teach him how special he is and how great he can become.  Now I'm trusting you.  Please hug him if he feels bad because he thinks he let you down, and please continue to make him feel he is capable of doing anything  he puts his mind to, because I have no doubt in the world that he is.”

And that is what I wish I could have said….

Why I run

I don’t run because I’m fast. I don’t run because I hope to win races. In fact, my kids are often the first to console me when because I don’t win first place:)  Running has served many purposes in my life. I did track in high school, but for purely social reasons. My friends were there, so that’s where I wanted to be also. There was one running event I was decent at, but I still begged my coaches (with no luck) to let me stick with doing just long jump, high jump, and triple jump. When I went to college I started running more than I did in high school because I had heard so many horror stories of the “Freshman Fifteen”, and it scared me. When I got married I was very hit and miss for the first couple of years due to working full-time and going to school full-time. It didn’t fit into my schedule very well, and I was surprised to find out that I missed it. After my first daughter was born I was determined to start running again. As I had more children it became my “me time” that everyone told me was so important. That “me time” quickly became my social time also, as I made friends with other girls who enjoyed running. Over the last several years I have learned many things through running. I have used it as a stress release. I have strengthened my testimony of the amazing gift from God that our physical bodies are, and it has strengthened my resolve to take care of my body. I have made friends. I have laughed, cried, and strengthened friendships. I have accomplished goals. I have learned that I can do hard things. I have had time to think. I have offered some of my most heartfelt prayers in the early morning hours when I am by myself on the road.

 A year and a half ago I crossed one big thing off my bucket list when I ran the St. George Marathon. I had every intention of it being my one and only, but was surprised in the weeks following when I started feeling the itch to do it again someday. Then I found out I was pregnant, gave birth, and have been balancing a busy life that includes caring for a baby and adjusting to being a mom of 4 ever since. Yesterday I ran my first post-baby race. A couple weeks after Camden was born I was walking a 5K where I met another mom in our stake who had also just given birth. She is an amazing runner, and I was telling her that I was looking forward to starting again as soon as I could. She was so nice and invited me to a girls’ weekend that she organized with a bunch of women every year. They went to Wenatchee for a weekend every April, ran the race, and just had fun together. It sounded like a good goal, so I told her to put me on her list.

 Being a mom to 4 sweet kids has been completely different than I expected. I never could have imagined the way my heart would burst with love for my 4 little ones. It is more wonderful than anyone could have ever described. It has also been so much harder than I ever imagined. When I was pregnant with Sadie (#3), everyone prepared me for how hard 3 was. Kids outnumbered the parents, yada, yada, yada…. I was pleasantly surprised when 3 was realitively smooth sailing for us. When I was pregnant with Camden, everyone told me that “if you can do three, you’ve got this”, “after 3 it’s all the same”, and “you hardly even notice a change because you’ve already adjusted to life with more kids than parents.” That has not been my experience. I love my little Camden more than words can express, but I’ve come to the conclusion that this mom gig is just plain hard work. He brought his own set of challenges to our family, and although I feel really good about where we’re at right now, I’m exhausted!

 On New Years Eve, after 4 months of figuring out my new life, I remembered the conversation about the Wenatchee Half-Marathon. I had been running sporadically, but I felt like I needed a goal to work towards: something to get me out the door even if I was tired and a feeling of accomplishment to look forward to. I felt like after pouring so much time and attention and love and energy into motherhood I wanted to reclaim another part of my life. I needed a distraction for when it got hard and I felt like I was ready to commit to training consistently for something. I registered for the race, and got excited when a couple other friends decided to go too. I realized quickly that I may have jumped the gun. Some women are great at jumping right in where they left off, and I’m not one of them. Camden was not a great sleeper for a while, and I would wake up exhausted. Some mornings I would force myself out of bed, get dressed in all my warm clothes to go out running in the rain, only to get to the front door and hear Camden wake up ready to nurse. I was physically exhausted and emotionally spent. He wouldn’t take a bottle, he had some food sensitivities that made me alter my diet pretty dramatically, along with some other minor issues that came up that required more of my time and attention. I was a little stressed out trying to figure out how to make this “girls weekend” work.  Luckily, my husband is such a good sport, and he agreed to brave a hotel full of women and make a family weekend out of it. The kids got super excited.
 

Fortunately, my friends made sure that I got my Saturday long runs in, but the weekday thing was just not working out as well as I liked, and I showed up to the race feeling nervous, excited, but completely unprepared. I went in with pretty low expectations knowing that this race would just be a good place to start and it could only get better:)

 Our race tradition includes me going to bed early the night before and Dan staying up to make my playlist for me. He always puts a few funny surprises on there, and it’s always a welcome distraction. Early on in the race I realized this one would be different. I couldn’t get my music to play at first, so I just decided to not use it for a while. My close friends were running the full marathon, so I wasn’t running with them. Because all of my long runs had been on weekends with the girls, it had been awhile since I had run alone. Combine that with my music not working, and I had a lot of time to think. It was actually nice to have some time alone with my thoughts, reflect on the “why I love running” more than trying to achieve a certain time, and think about my blessings, including good health and legs that work. I think all of the thinking turned it into a more emotional run than I was expecting. The first thing that I noticed was a man who was sitting along the course cheering. He didn’t look much older than me, he was wearing a running T-shirt, and he was sitting in a wheelchair. He was all alone. He wasn’t just half-heartedly clapping, he was enthusiastically cheering for each one of us as we ran by. It made me cry. I don’t know what his story was, but I was so impressed by his attitude. Of course, the aftermath of Boston was still heavy in the air, and it made me think of those people as well. The next thing I noticed was the solidarity of runners in general, but also the sisterhood that I find in friends. Because I kind of crashed another ward’s tradition, I didn’t know many (if any:) of the girls I was there with well. Many of them were ahead of me, which meant that on the out-and-back course they would pass me going the opposite direction. Every one of them gave me a smile or an encouraging word and I was so grateful for the kind gestures. Lastly, I was able to think a lot about my role as a mom. I felt like this race was so intertwined with motherhood for me. It was symbolic. I wanted to prove to myself that I could do this again, and that I’m back “in it” after having my 4th baby. I wanted to be a runner again. I felt like I needed this back in my life. When that goal became complicated by the demands of motherhood I started to wonder if I could do this again. I thought maybe this wasn't the most important thing right now. The night before I felt so unprepared I really didn’t know what the outcome would be. Then, as I was running, I started thinking about each of my kids. I thought about the few times I’ve been able to take Jacey out running and how much I’ve enjoyed it. I thought about the pride I saw on her face when she ran her first 5K. I thought about Broden and the hugs he gives me when I get home from early Saturday morning runs even when I’m sweaty and smelly and asks me how far I ran. I feel like motherhood and running really have gone hand in hand for me. I realized that when I take care of me I am a better mom, and running is how I do that. I hope that my kids know that. I hope I’m teaching them that they can do hard things. I hope I’m teaching them that they don’t have to be the “best” at something to feel successful, and that they should take great pride in doing their best, whatever that may be. With all of these thoughts swimming around in my head, I was reminded how truly blessed I am to be a wife and a mom and have good health and energy to enjoy this time in my life. At that moment I turned the corner to see the finish line straight ahead of me. With a feeling of accomplishment I approached the finish line, and just before crossing I heard little voices. I looked to the right, saw my little cheering section, and cried all the way across the finish line. Not because I was relieved it was over. (Well, maybe a little:) Mostly tears of gratitude in realizing that I can do this again, but the greatest role in my life right now is to be a wife and a mom. I’m pretty lucky, and I have a pretty incredible family to share that journey with.

12 years ago...

Dan and I had a lot of fun at breakfast this morning telling our kids the story of our wedding day.  I hadn't realized they had never heard the details.  Then I realized that I don't think I wrote down the details of that day anywhere.  I think it deserves an entry in our family yearbook when I print it out this year!  Today I'm feeling very nostalgic about that day.  It was wonderful.  I can't believe it was 12 years ago.  In some ways it seems like just yesterday, and in others it seems like we've been together forever.

 We look happy right??  We were.  And maybe just a tad relieved.  All weddings need a story to make them interesting.  Ours has one. :)

The day before our wedding we had a ton of family and friends coming in from out of town.  I had several friends from BYU coming up to be my bridesmaids.  My other one was a dear friend I had known since 2nd grade who came over from Spokane.  A couple of Dan's roommates from Provo were also coming up, as well as a bunch of good friends from Canada to be his groomsmen.  The plan was that I would spend the evening before with all of my friends whom I hadn't seen in a couple of months, he would spend the evening before with his friends whom he also hadn't seen for awhile, then the next morning we would both drive down to Portland and meet at the temple with our family and friends.  Sounds simple, right?  Ha!  My roommates flight got delayed, and I didn't have much time to spend with them after all.  Thank goodness my friend Laura was there to hang out with me! :)  Dan went to go ride go-carts with his friends and then to his basketball game.  On his way home from the game (at 11:00 p.m.) he got a flat tire going over the speed bump on the way to our townhouse.  They went to put the spare on and it was flat. :(  His wonderful friends sent Dan to bed, then rolled his spare tire all the way to the gas station to fill it up for him so he could get some sleep.  But he could not drive all of the way from Puyallup to Portland on his spare.  So he drove up to his parents house to get a ride in someone else's car.  Dan had a lot of family visiting too, and they were all staying with his parents.  You know how it is when you're trying to get a lot of people out of the door at the same time, especially to go somewhere important?  It was inevitable that they would be running late, right?  Did I mention it snowed the night before?  Not a ton, but a lot for Washington.  The roads were a mess.  It still makes me giggle (now...a few years later:) to picture Dan squished in a car with his family on the way to his wedding, getting more and more frustrated with every potty stop.

In the meantime (keep in mind that cell phones weren't super common) I woke up at the crack of dawn in my (very small) hometown to get my hair done and saw all of the snow.  I went to my appointment, which was at a salon in this cute ladie's garage.  It was very Steel Magnolia-like.  I'm getting my hair done, and her husband (who was a typical small-town outdoorsman, sitting there in his flannel with his newspaper and coffee) scaring me with stories of  he heard of I-5 (the main freeway from Seattle to Portland) being closed because of the snow.  He was just kidding, but I was already nervous enough!  I remember getting to the temple and feeling rushed.  We had left in plenty of time, but the weather slowed us down and I thought we were cutting it close.  I went in and changed and waited.  And waited and waited and waited.  All of my family was there, we had a lot of close friends who were there, but no Dan.  I can't remember who told me, but somehow I knew he was on his way, but had no idea how far away they were.   I remember sitting on a bench in the hallway waiting for someone to tell me that Dan was there and to take us into the room to get started.  While I was waiting there, and older man (much older- at least in his 80s) came, tapped my foot with his cane, and said, "If he doesn't show up I'll be glad to stand in his place."  and winked at me.  I'll always love that man for giving me something to laugh about while I was waiting.  (Funny sidenote:  when we told Jacey this story today she said, "You should have married him.  When he died you would have had all of his money, then you could have married Dad!"  I promise I did not teach her to think like that!) Finally, two hours later, Dan showed up with his family and groomsmen:)  I've never been so glad to see him!  We were very grateful that our family and a few close family friends stuck around to share our special day with us.  It was wonderful for so many reasons, and even better to share it with so many people we love. 

12 years later, we still have days that are equally as, if not more, chaotic.  I wouldn't trade them for anything!